Smile
by Morbid Muse
Summary: Angel turns down Cordelia. She must remind herself to smile- no matter how fake it is.


Title: Smile  
  
Author: Amanda  
  
E-mail- [1]Amandab9@aol.com  
  
Chapters: 1/1  
  
Summary: Angel turns down Cordelia. She must remind herself to smile- no matter how fake it is.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I am writing this purely to please the annoying voices in my head. Don't sue!  
  
Author's Notes: 1.This takes place after Provider but before the episode after it.  
  
2. `' Indicates thoughts  
  
Warning: A little sad.  
  
Cordelia's POV:  
  
I remind myself to smile. Smile a wide smile that will stop him from looking at me like that.  
  
"I'm really sorry, Cordelia," Angel regretfully repeats.  
  
Cordelia. That is my full name. Angel never calls me by my full name unless something is really wrong. And nothing can be really wrong because I'm smiling.  
  
"It's okay, Angel. Really," I reassure him. I know that we both know I'm lying. Maybe if I show some more teeth in my smile, we'll believe me.  
  
It's just... we are so close and I don't want to ruin it," Angel winces at himself, knowing how horrible it sounds. Realizing it didn't stop him and Buffy from getting together.  
  
His words are only making me feel worse. I realize that he is trying to make me feel better but he is really only making it worse. I don't let my smile drop, though. I am, after all, an actress. I can act happy if I want.  
  
"I get it. It's because I'm not blonde," I try to joke. `Smile at your joke,' I scold myself. Than I remind myself that I am already smiling. `Just smile bigger,' I conclude before plastering an even bigger smile on my already unnaturally large smiling lips.  
  
Angel gives me a distraught glance. "Sorry."  
  
Sorry. Simple word; sorry. I want to cry. I want to brawl and scream and hit him and tell him he should be.  
  
Instead I bite down on my lip. I yell at myself because now I can't be smiling and now my lip is beginning to hurt from biting so hard.  
  
I attempt to smile while biting on my bottom lip. Angel gives me a worried glance. I decide to let go of my lip before I bleed.  
  
"Don't worry, its just dinner," I tell him through my bruised, smiling lips.  
  
"Just dinner," he echo's uncertain.  
  
Just dinner. Sure, if we both forget that after Angel asked me innocently why I had asked him to accompany me to dinner when he only drank blood, I admitted I am totally in love with him. How I had blurted out that he is all that allows me to get through each painful day and night. My outrageous grin grows by the second.  
  
"You wouldn't be happy anyway. With no free time and the curse..." Angel desperately begins apologizing again. Well, at least it stops the akward silence.  
  
I still wish he would stop apologizing though. I wish Fred, Gunn, Weasly, and Laure, would come back with Connor already. I wish I could never had told Angel the truth. But since none of these seem to be happening in the near future, I keep smiling.  
  
"Listen, it's been a really long day- night," I correct myself, thinking about the late hour. "I think I'll just go home and enjoy some dinner with Dennis."  
  
Angel slowly nods. "Sorry," he repeats one last time. "Enjoy your food. See ya tomorrow?" the last part sounds hopefully, like I may not come back.  
  
What does he expect me to do, run away to Egypt? Well, no you can't really run to Egypt. You would need to take a plane and I am still not getting paid enough for that.  
  
So I'll come tomorrow and forever after. At first Angel'll try to avoid me. Then Weasly will catch on, find out the situation and give me the pity look he reserves for these type of problems. Finally, after awhile, everyone will pretend it didn't happen and we'll all go back to our version of "normal". That's the face we'll show anyway.  
  
I nod- hard. Trying to shake out my thoughts of the probable future and keep my Cheshire cat grin.  
  
In my car I check the mirror constantly. Every time I notice the reflections smile is still painted on there.  
  
I could stop now, but if I do I'll end up crying and I don't have getting into a car wreck from my sudden break down on the highway on my to-do list.  
  
I unlock my front door and allow Dennis to shut and lock it for me. He must really see through my still present smile because he even pulls out a chair for me to sit in.  
  
At last I take a deep breath and stop my insane smile. It slips off of me like a mask I had been holding. My whole face aches from the uncomfortable position it had been forced into for so long.  
  
As I had originally guessed, immediately after my security smile fades, I start crying hysterically. `Why do I have to care so much about the souled vamp?' I wonder now that I am no longer smiling.  
  
References  
  
1. mailto:Amandab9@aol.com 


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